feeling lazy now. half day today cause of funorama. i managed to escape the clutches of outings today :P nowadays, i just feel like staying at home. you know, home sweet home. sick of outings. not like i would never see them again and must go for outings... maybe its just the dawn of realisation that i shouldnt be slacking so much...

its amazing how friendships can be made in one second and broken in the next. come to think of it, i dont have a wide circle of good friends, its either close few friends or hi-bye friends. honestly speaking, i feel that during the first three months of PAE, i have made only two real friends(according to my definition of friends), the rest are basically hi-bye friends. no doubt it was a short period of time, but we striked a rather deep, undescrible friendship. not like the common sort, but one which we can confine into the other when we have problems. i know time is required to maintain such a close relationship, if not it would also 'poof' and disappear.

i feel that there's no point in having a best friend, i prefer a circle of close friends. note the word 'a'. that person cannot always be there for me. at some point in life, she will just leave. people are selfish, no matter how 'best' of friends you may be with someone, it is impossible for that person to love you as much as herself. face reality!! its just the fallen flesh. therefore, i rather rely on a gingang of close friends, so that no matter where i fall, one of them would be there extending her hand for me. if one day, i cannot stand straight anymore, they can take turns supporting me :P i hope to play this role in other people's life too! may i be such a friend to somebody, even if that person isnt aware of that support.(:

Can we find a friend so faithful
Who will all our sorrows share?
Jesus knows our every weakness,
Take it to the Lord in prayer.

i forgive you.
the three words phrase that is ranked second in my 'difficult to say' list. followed after i love you.
grudges are held... even for me. i can even remember those in K2. imagine! as young as 6 yrs old! what more are the grudges recently... *sign* it is indeed one of the most tough words to say openly and really meant in your heart. i sometimes wish i have a 'deleted' category in my brain to store all these offenses made to me by so many people. i think i'm a very qiao xi person. i recently realised that even a single word can offend somebody. i must take care of what spews out of my mouth from now on. dont wish to hurt others like that person that did to me. oh gosh! i'm reminding myself of tt offense again. why cant it just listen to me and go into the trash can?? argh! cant stand my memory space sometimes. what i'm supposed to memorise wont go in. what i dont want to remember seems to stick to my memory space, so much so that i cant even yank it out! guess i have to live with it. pray that i will be able to forgive them with the forgiveness of God. Lord, i just depend on You. i cant do this myself.

a strong urge to tell everyone about my blog!!!
seeing people writing proudly as their msn nicks leave me wondering if i should tell them my blog.
i know they would be estactic if i told them. but on second thoughts, maybe not. i promise... one day, when i feel a stronger urge... or if i feel that our relationship have ceased to as close as we are now.
i do really wish to tell you all, the 5 of you people only. i wouldnt want other people, you know who, to find out. hello! i need some privacy. that was my whole point in starting this blog anyway. It was meant for close close friends.

its been such a long week.
things had happened.
things are forgotten.
things are completed.

dont feel like elaborating.

looking forward to tomorrow's funorama!
all will go well(:

when we have exhausted our store of endurance,
when our strength has failed ere the day is half-done,
when we reach the end of our hoarded resources,
our Father's full giving is only begun.

O Lord. forgive me.
i shouldn't have done it. it was such a waste of time.
vainity of vanities.
i'm feeling terrible.
totally in my flesh.
O Lord Jesus, forgive me.

20 days and only 5 posts so far. see what i mean about blogs? even blogging i must be trained to be consistent. hah.

ah well... 6 days have vanished since i last blogged. feeling a little weird nowadays. always in my emotion... must be pms or something. had a weird dream last night. it was centered on one person. in that dream, i felt as if my life suddenly revolved around that person. dont know how to describe that feeling... uneasiness? uncomfortable? maybe its like a warning. i should keep my distance. i feel like there's something weighing me down in that dream, but just cant figure it out. i feel so complicated today.

yesterday's bbq turned out quite successful. it was certainly a pity that it poured like mad. but maybe it was just a test on our faith in the Lord. Praise Him! He never fails us. though we were disheartened at first... we had a fun time. i hope hongni enjoyed yesterday's blending, pls pray that she would be able to enjoy the churchlife like we do. It was also indeed a fun game of captain's ball yesterday((: haha. captain ball will always be my favourite. when i grow old, i will recall these wonderful memories of youth playing captains ball :P

played the piano today for Lord's table. like always, i felt stupid at every note i strike wrongly. that awful, out-of-the-place note. there are so many pros around me, why did i volunteer to play? gosh! cant believe i'm a grade 8 with such terrible sight reading skills. i'm sure so many are put off at the sight of me plowing through the hymns with practically no elegance or easiness. maybe it was a wrong choice from the start to learn piano. then i would not have such shameful feelings every time saints ask me to play the hymns and i embarrassly reject. you would never understand that sinking feeling whenever i am asked to play. it would be better if i could dig a hole and bury my face inside.

oh. have i ever mentioned that i blushed like mad? over every small thing. not the outwardly whole-face-red blush, but the inward embarrassed blush. i would probably be as red as tomato if my inward blush is revealed. hah. a random thought. don bother.

Praise the Lord i joined this video training! no regrets... just want more of it now(: i always start off reluctant, cos it meant three weekends gone for my own worldly pleasures... but then again, it always ends with me wishing every weekend could be like that. consecrated to the Lord. tis one of the reasons i am resolved to go FTT. imagine how wonderful it is to simply give yourself to the Lord for TWO whole years!

back to what i enjoyed. the messages were rich, like always... but i didnt have much time to jot my enjoyments down. i was really touched last night concerning the supreme preciousness of Christ. after the message, i was pondering: what exactly is the value of Christ in me? how much have i placed Him above all other things? outwardly speaking, no doubt i spend time everyday, morning revival, bible reading, etc etc. but do i really value Him above all other things? when exams draw near, i willingly transfer this time to studying, thinking it is ok, it is just short term.. this just goes to show that i have not seen the preciousness of Christ to me. i really need to ask the Lord to open my eyes, even to value Him above all other things, to see this preciousness of Christ.
another point i was touched on. i have to see the valuation of the enjoyment of sin in comparison to the unseen reward. i am often obsessed in the enjoyment of sin, not seeing that this unseen reward i am also pursuing is far greater and better. persevere as one seeing the unseen one..
sufferings are just visitations of the Lord's grace. Praise the Lord for all my sufferings! Lord, live an overcoming life by faith in me. i want to be found by You.

*hugs and kisses to the Lord*

its march the 13th today. and holidays are almost over. boo hoo hoo...

it wasnt a bad and boring week. but it wasnt as fun as i anticipated it to be. my hair "dropped" on monday. i am determined to keep my hair long from now on. i just dont see what's so fantastic about short hair.. i wanna long hair! opinions were fired at me when i went out this week, some reckon i look better, others voiced out that its too short. i guess what's done cannot be undone. and i am NOT going to cry over spilled milk. actually it doesnt really bother me, short or long, but other ppl's opinion does. whenever ppl say stuff that i dont expect to hear, i would dwell on it, even up to numerous days. i'm always sooo in my mind, seldom in my spirit. pondering seems to be what i do best. hah! now i sound like some no-confidence kid. oh shut up!

tuesday was one longg day. started out as usual with jogging. then there was class outing that i seriously looked forward to. but of cos high expectations comes great disappointments. only a measly 10 ppl turned up. less than half the class. what's wrong with everybody?? is slping so important that they have to give tis class outing a miss? haiz... oh well. i'm in no position to judge anyway. on the other hand,.smaller groups are easier to mix around. got to strike a conversation here and there... so far so good. no major awkardness. its not that bad. but could be better with more ppl around(: i ended the day with swensens and prayer mtg.
on top of these ups and downs on tues, i went around with a sinking feeling. i told myself i had to go for prayer mtg AND i must persuade the others to go too. i sure felt lousy when i didnt succeed. i really dont noe why its so difficult to attend just this one and only prayer mtg probably for the next few months. or maybe i just don have those persuading powers. 'Lord, i really cant do this anymore. i have failed You again.' sometimes i wonder, what would it be like if each and every one of the youth are strong in spirit. just five would do. then the whole meeting and everything we do would be different. the whole week just calling and encouraging one another to be in their spirit and to love the Lord. how sweet would that be!!! i pray that one day, the youth gombak district would experience such a revival..

can't wait for CLASS OUTING!!! its gonna be bowling at 10am this coming tuesday, then we'll be going to a classmate's house. i have a feeling! FUN. hah.
a pity about the west coast park outing. actually my sixth sense told me it probably wont work out. but, its okay. there will always be a next time(:

i am going to start pia-ing next week, with common tests coming up and millions of homework to complete. i should get out of my dream world NOW and start studying. been slacking too much. simply an addiction. once i start slacking, i just cant seem to stop. its as if that temptation grows.
i realised how much i have lost out. the moment i start to count the items i must do, the list just keep going. so much for being realistic! now the pile of stress results in me wanting to procrastinate em.

should i join boy's brigade premier? but harp and BB sounds weird. way too weird. anyway, i wants SPORTS!!!

apparently that insignificant headache transformed into a major fever during the weekend. or so i thought. it must have been the weeks of heatiness piled together, until my body is screaming COOL DOWN. but of cos, (as usual) i chose not to listen and continued munching on heaty goodies to my heart's content.
ah well! its gone! just two days of suffering! i am soo glad it wasn't a virus attack.. no thanks to isolation for one wk! thanks ppl, for all your care and concern! *hugs*

back to reality. anticipation built up as i brisk walked to school as usual. we(aud, bel, me) hurried to the lift lobby. it was stuffed with j1s! class posting results were out! i squeezed my way through, all thanks to my bulky bag and tiny size(as if)... sometimes i wish i am one head taller than everyone else so i don have to tunnel my way for these mass results! and.... *drum rolls* i... am... in... 1SB2!!!! hah!

i confess i was a tiny winy bit disappointed when i knew my class. just that small tinge of disappointment. reason bring SBONE sounds nicer. lame but true. but not any more. let me finish my story and you'll know why... 1stly, and most importantly!! bel is in my class TOO! yay!! i thank the Lord for keeping my prayers in mind(: moreover, there were many many ppl i knew from 1SB2. some volley friends, og mate and bbss classmates! hah. all in all, about 7 out of 23. compared to 1SA3, its considered "comfortable". again, i must emphasize that the world is very small, or rather singapore is very small... LOL. another point that majorly affected my first impression of the class was that most of them came from neighbourhood schools. like me. no inferiority. good.

1SB2 will be my class for the next 1 year and 10 months. like it or not, i'm stuck with it. so i'm trying to love it now! although i wish the scholars are with me. its been really great knowing them! its an altogether different kind of motivation without the scholars. hmmm... give you an example. in every lesson, the scholars would spontaneously raise up their hands to take up responsibilities, eventually you too wanna do the same, in a class void of scholars, someone has to do something so you raise your hand. get the picture? but it really boils down to what the class is composed of. the units of the class. us. cheerful? optimistic? hardworking? playful?

for now, my first impression's not bad for 1SB2. hope it will improve in time to come...

started off the day with that small light yet constant pounding in my head. must be the late night serial. ignored and went off to school. monday blues kicked in. Chapel started and bla bla bla. eventually, most of my OG got separated.at first, my plan was to play table tennis. but somehow we didnt. cos of the hungary mosqiutos in the sunken gallery i supposed. eventually bel and me watched oliver twist in the library. the show's a good one no doubt. i never watched it before. although we spent minutes fixing up the earphones in a aircon-less library. being fedup and irritated. nonetheless, we still enjoyed the show (: sadly, we didnt complete it and went to Q for notes(which we gave up Q-ing). by that time, my head felt as if something is pressing down real hard and it was going to swell up any time. left for home sweet home and towards my precious desparately needed sleep.

the above is just a poor narrative of my sub horrible day. IGNORE.

blogging in replacement of SATURDAY 23 FEB.

what a day! was pretty pissed off at first! EVERYBODY WAS LATE!!! About 1 and 1/2 hours... haiz. But i waited(: it was definitely worth the wait! how i wished we could still be in the same class:( Lord, i thought you had granted me my real friends in jc but they seem to be leaving my life so soon...

then its was sat meeting! as usual. we had dinner and preparation of prophesies. i had no idea what happened to me. i turned burning hot when i was sharing my portion. as in REALLY hot up to my ears and sweating like mad in an air con room. for a moment i thought i was gonna be ill.
we sang 'splendid churchlife'. Love that song(: Praise the Lord for all the youth!

i refer to Hebrews chapt 11. this chapter really stuck with me the whole day. It talked about the definition of faith and the witnesses of faith. all the way through the OT, everyone, EVERYONE walked by faith at a certain part of their lives. It showed me the lack of faith i had in the Lord. i tend to be anxious after school, friends, subject combi, bla bla bla. revealing how much i just don trust in the Lord that He will lead me. i always seem to tell the Lord to do His will but more often, i depend on my mind to find out what's best in my own eyes and then inform Him about my decision. now it seems so wrong. Lord, cover me with your precious blood. how i need to realise that in your eyes i am a sinner. just a sinner.
talking about sinners... i was once more touched with bro nee's personal testimony this morning. even when he got saved, it was such an impact that kept him so burning for the Lord. sometimes, i wished that i could be so spiritual, someone who is so spiritual and totally for the Lord. but i always fail. its probably my self ambition though. to be somebody i cant. Lord, i just pray that You keep me in this churchlife with the saints, enjoying You.

Last night, i attended prayer mtg and it really got me thinking. how long would i last, so fervourly pursuing the Lord? going for prayer mtgs when no youths go, doing night revival, bible reading and prayer with diff sisters, 10 chapters a day, footnotes of peter and jude, 2 yr bible reading shedule...don tink its so great and spiritual to do all these things. there are times when i really wished i was sec 1/2 when the serving ones just keep sheperding me. i just have to literally open my mouth for spiritual food. there are also times when i want to give up. to just let go. its just too difficult, too deep a truth to pursue. there are times when i simply don wish to talk to anybody but still had to maintain my cheerfulness as i call up the sisters. there are times when i wanna just push away all this burdens and be like any one on the streets, seemingly so carefree and sociable. BUT i know, deep deep down within me i have a yearning. a yearning to pursue the Lord, to pursue the truth, to be a functioning member in the Body, to be a vessel unto honour.

i will hold on to my small faith in the Lord. that He will keep me exercising and sheperding. Praise the Lord!

actually(shy), i THINK life went on as normal on friday. i just can't remember. like there's a blank space in my brain. Lol.

SATURDAY
can't believe i didn't go for the campus-older youth blending. i was anticipating it the whole week. mind you, the WHOLE WEEK. cos it really sounded like fun...oh well. i guess things change, or rather, plans change. i was quite pleased with the past week. it was EXERCISE week. tues, volley and mass pe. wed, cross-country, thurs, gym. wanted sat to top it up with 3 hrs of badminton. then i will sound totally fit. haha. but i pretty much escaped with fun too. at home. playing taboo with jie and mum. laughed like mad at our different frequency.

LORD'S DAY
reluctant to go out. but i knew it would be totally mean not to celebrate my friend's b dae. and it just might be the last time we see each other... turned out okay i guess. we walked around practically the whole of taka to find my missy pen.(i'm so so sorry) then went for dinner. dinner at billy bombus. if not for my 15 dollars off vouncher, the bill was $$ 82.00 ++ !!! i felt like i ate gold bar... besides that, we had fun playing truth or truth ( cos nobody dared to play dare). its really entertaining, when its not my turn of cos. tell you a secret. i still own them one more qn. hahaha. escaped that. they still haven't realised and i'm definietly not telling. hehehehe...

MONDAY
there was a big fuss bout class outing, to go for a movie. in the end, nobody went. sad ain't it? reluctant as usual i went for gp, physics, bla bla bla. then home sweet home to sleep. i realised i have become more and more like a pig. slp slp slp. especially if i don drink my daily dose of coffee. i forgot when... but my friend was commenting on my permanent black bags and that i shd start working on it. i totally agree! so i'm trying... but now i feel much liken to a pig. eat slp eat slp. P-I-G! its a wonder if i don get fat at the rate i'm going.

TUESDAY
what a day! i heard that a lot of ppl pon sch. obviously i'm one of them. everybody was shocked i pon. do i look so guai??? haiz. anyway, morning was dedicated to sleep. woke up at about 10.30. finished my chi tuition hw. and went to the bank. i Q-ED for ONE HOUR!!! cant believe ya? i cant either. its a weekday LEI. gosh. at least i redeemed the time by completing my 10 chapters(: thn it was Grace and me watching jumper. we actually sneeked into another movie theatre to watch ah Long for 10 mins. my First time. thrill. haha. jumper seem pretty scary at parts. only to me i think. you know how i am.so scaredy cat. hah. yesterday's probably the last time i get to see grace till i don noe when... we got chatty too. haha. as usual i think. glad to know she's fine. or, she looks fine. i know she really wanted to remain in ac... i missed her presence today. sobz.

haven't written for 6 days...
now my thoughts are overflowing. tis another problem with blogging, sometimes i just forget. as in totally forget. then i have to take time staring into space and recalling... joke.

here's some updates before i get into the nitty gritty details i am concerned about.
15 feb. life proceeds as normal.
16 feb. big fuss-up about the sat blending. didn't go. rotted at home
17 feb. Lord's table mtg. went out with hx and gang. (further elaboration later)
18 feb. was the last day. but didn't feel like. chi tuition.
19 feb. pon school. went to the bank with grandma. movie with grace.
20 feb. go sch. realised only 3 gals left in my class. pathetic. writing blog.

this message is dedicated to si pei from the bottom of my heart:

the particular memory of your reply when i asked you if you were a Christian was "must i be a Christian to believe into God? i believe but i'm not a Christian". that really struck me. your hobby about pilosophy and dreams sometimes scares me. other than these(which is the majority), we get along pretty well i shd think. i wish you would stay in ac, but i know you probably wont. in this, i have failed to preach the gospel again.no doubt, i like your personailty, one in which i can totally be myself with you. its such a pity that you're leaving. you were one of the few that i felt comfortable with. a pity a pity. oh well! you have left a footprint in my heart(sounds so mushy). wish you all the best in nj. by the Lord's grace and mercy, i pray that you would enter into the Lord's recovery.
XXX,
jojo

this message is dedicated to her from the bottom of my heart:

actually i was quite disappointed with you all at first, about valentine's...you all acted like it didn't really matter. but it does. what if this is the last valentine's that we are friends. BUT your letter brighten up my day!
i share the same sentiments as you, of the 5 in our clinque, sometimes i feel you're the one that truly understand what i think. you said, its probably the Christ within us that makes our nature so similar.i dont doubt that sentence but i really hope that someday you would know Him as the true and living one, not just One who comforts, but there is the need of building up the Body. i always have such a burden for you. but i never seem to be able to start or argue on at times. i will continue to pray for your growth in life, and maybe one day, that the Lord would just open your eyes, that you would be willing to come for a meeting or two. you have always appeared to me as a very sensible and thinking person, however, i hope that this type of deep thinking would not affect your normal Christian living, that you would not doubt God's word. i also hope to maintain such a friendship, but more so, to be sisters in Christ which is eternal compared to friendship. i earnestly pray that the Lord will work within you and gain you fully.
XXX,
jojo

valentine's day. but i didn't really feel the love in the air. oh yes, there were rock music blasting, heart-shaped balloons, smiles and all. but deep down, i felt tired. unspeakable tiredness. maybe its the muscle ache, maybe it was the pe, or maybe it was the environment... i dont know! but of cos, there were happy moments. thx judy! for the flower(: and bel for your letter and waiting(: you ppl really made my day!
people say true friends are those willing to give their all up for you. sometimes i wonder, who exactly are my real friends in life? and will i get such ones in jc? i wonder... difficult to pen down my thoughts at this moment, so many memories racing through my mind. but, i really, earnestly, hope that the Lord will grant me such a friend in this two years, just one. thanks!

no doubt i was upset bout the flower thing. but i'm more touched than angry. the angry red seem to be washed away be the sweet pink.

haven't blogged since chu yi of cny.
ta da! i'm back! miss me ya?(lame)

cny's been pretty unique this year.
visiting friends and teacher homes.
i suddenly had a realization of the close bonds me and my friends forged in this two years at bbss. in fact, many times in this new year, i was left with the choice between bbss schoolmates or ac schoolmates(og or class). but i always somehow end up chosing bbss schoolmates. its like a stronger magnet drawing me to them. ppl might reasoned " of cos, you're closing to your secondary school friends!" on the contary, i feel it isn't the only reason, there's something more to it which i can't really describe. its probably like what my friend said " some ac ppl are just not your type". its really true. i think.

anyways, i know that eventually, no matter what environment have been arranged for me, i will blend in. it takes time. and i seriously mean TIME. probabaly the time i finally get comfortable with my classmates, it'll be next year. haha. just joking. its not that bad, really! considering what some of my friends describe their clases to be, i think i've got quite a good class.

speechless. i'll take my leave now.

argh! don't feel like touching those lecture notes!!! they give me eeks.

its 10 feb!!!
happy birthday daddy!!!
happy birthday xinyi jie jie!!!
haha.
love you ppl loads!!!
hugs and kisses!
hope you like our little surprise later, pa!
heheeeeeee