i refer to Hebrews chapt 11. this chapter really stuck with me the whole day. It talked about the definition of faith and the witnesses of faith. all the way through the OT, everyone, EVERYONE walked by faith at a certain part of their lives. It showed me the lack of faith i had in the Lord. i tend to be anxious after school, friends, subject combi, bla bla bla. revealing how much i just don trust in the Lord that He will lead me. i always seem to tell the Lord to do His will but more often, i depend on my mind to find out what's best in my own eyes and then inform Him about my decision. now it seems so wrong. Lord, cover me with your precious blood. how i need to realise that in your eyes i am a sinner. just a sinner.
talking about sinners... i was once more touched with bro nee's personal testimony this morning. even when he got saved, it was such an impact that kept him so burning for the Lord. sometimes, i wished that i could be so spiritual, someone who is so spiritual and totally for the Lord. but i always fail. its probably my self ambition though. to be somebody i cant. Lord, i just pray that You keep me in this churchlife with the saints, enjoying You.

Last night, i attended prayer mtg and it really got me thinking. how long would i last, so fervourly pursuing the Lord? going for prayer mtgs when no youths go, doing night revival, bible reading and prayer with diff sisters, 10 chapters a day, footnotes of peter and jude, 2 yr bible reading shedule...don tink its so great and spiritual to do all these things. there are times when i really wished i was sec 1/2 when the serving ones just keep sheperding me. i just have to literally open my mouth for spiritual food. there are also times when i want to give up. to just let go. its just too difficult, too deep a truth to pursue. there are times when i simply don wish to talk to anybody but still had to maintain my cheerfulness as i call up the sisters. there are times when i wanna just push away all this burdens and be like any one on the streets, seemingly so carefree and sociable. BUT i know, deep deep down within me i have a yearning. a yearning to pursue the Lord, to pursue the truth, to be a functioning member in the Body, to be a vessel unto honour.

i will hold on to my small faith in the Lord. that He will keep me exercising and sheperding. Praise the Lord!