would you like coward as your appetizer,
anxiety as your drink,
and stress as your main dish?
that was my lunch today.

it all began with some "smarty" person who wanted to pon chinese. lo and behold! everyone thought it was a great idea to do it. they wanted to pon as a class. knowing myself, i rather not find trouble and do it the safe way, to follow suit. unfortunately, my conscience would not give me rest. And there were some who must go for certain reasons. i was the only optional one that wanted to go. as you know, i was already labeled the " potential a" person and have attracted some unnecessarily attention from my teacher. obviously, they didn't want me to go. or else i will "put them into trouble"(like they aren't already in trouble). wait!
i will list out the pros and cons for going:
+ points.
+ no risk of getting into detention(never in my life have i done detention)
+ learn something new
+ prevent further hatred from the teacher to our class(when she realises everybody purposely pon)
+ it won't do any serious brain damage or something
+ i have to wait for my friend till 3.30 anyway
+ i'm quite used to her teaching style(exactly the same as my sec sch teacher)
+ sympathy towards the other only girl that had to go
+ i don't have to be alone until 3.30
+ i bear no grudge against the teacher
- points
- i lose face in front of classmates
- feel like a nerd/geek whatever.
see what i mean? if it were you, will you go or not? i was in such a dilemma that i caught no ball for physics, chem and econs lessons. i felt such a coward. a coward to not stand out and say that i want to go for the lesson. a coward for not gathering my guts to pon chinese class. i tried to go with the flow, which obviously left me in a fix. i didn't want to tarnish my record of detentionless for so many years. no thanks to starting a new record. what can i do? it was really social stress. peer persure. but, from deep down in my heart, i really am grateful to those who encouraged me to go. love you people! haha. thanks for being my real friends. for keeping me on track.

as i was thinking about this option, whether to go for lesson anot, i suddenly had a cold, hard poke that maybe ac isn't what i really want. maybe deep deep down in the depths of my being, i want to go back to a mugging school. a school like my secondary school. were almost everyone muggs together happily. and in the midst of mugging, there are countless encouragements, laughter, tears, sweat... thinking back, it was a luxury at that time. but i persuaded myself that i need a change in environment, i need to suit myself into this environment of smarty pants, rowdiness, backstabbing, etc. so that i will be able to survive in the future. no matter what, i will shape myself to be one who is able to mix with these people. i will try my best to play smart.